lesson learned...

One of the many, many things I learned through this cancer journey is this - for all the kind deeds you (or someone else may do) it takes only one wicked act to undo them all. I say this for two reasons - one is that I was literally in awe of the power that one (albeit repeated) act of unkindness (is that even a word?) had over me to undo the very warmth and fulfillment that so many acts of selfless kindness had instilled. It made me really angry. Angry at the person who continually amazed me with her unwillingness to be kind, angry at myself for letting her (and the results of her action/inaction) make me angry, and angry that I allowed it to deflate me despite all the wonderful, caring actions of others. It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through - to be so aware of my emotions and desire so much not to have them and yet seem powerless (I think from sheer exhaustion all around - mentally, emotionally, and physically) to overcome. I prayed a lot about it - and often. I know my prayers were not unanswered because the whole experience has caused me to grow - and that's the second reason I post this. I had an aha moment - an epiphany of sorts - although it was common sense really... it came to me just outside of a McDonald's drive through (I stopped to get a Diet Coke - one of my few delights during my ridiculous low iodine diet)... I just plain had to get a hold on the I want to feel. I had to turn the proverbial other cheek and just put my foot down on letting someone else's bad attitude and lack of concern control me. I know - intuitive, but before that moment I just didn't have it in me to do it. I suddenly did and I took a break from singing a Christmas carol to thank God right then and there for the opportunity to know the difference and recognize it. I want to look back (often) and remember that I should take every opportunity I can to be kind to someone not only because it is the right thing to do, but because you never know when someone has been brought to their emotional knees by an unkind act and your generosity or sensitivity or listening ear just may be the thing that causes them to get up off their knees and remember that there are kind and loving people in the world. I don't mean this to be a soapbox - I just mean it to be a reminder to myself that every single thing I do impacts someone in some way and I would much rather lift someone up than knock them down. 'Nuff said.