In the night....

I've been reading a book called "Shanghai Girls" by Lisa See. It is a novel, but is historically accurate with regard to background, places, and even some names. It begins in Shanghai, China in the 1930's and follows a pair of sisters as they run from the Japanese and eventually emigrate to the United States. It follows them here, talks about what life was like in California in the early 1940's and then after China falls to the communists. It pulled me in and caused me to think a lot about Kailin's family in China. I found myself laying in bed last night, awake in the middle of the night, thinking about things. It's likely that her grandparents were alive as China went through the changes described in the book and I wonder what they were feeling, if they tried to leave and failed, chose to stay and support the communists, or felt they had no other choice. I wonder if Kailin's parents have known anything but communism, if they truly believe in it, or if they feel differently...

I'm not looking to enter into a debate about China's one child policy, the reasons behind it or the continuing consequences of it. I don't want to talk about a perceived or actual cultural bias toward boys over girls. I have opinions about all of those things and I'm not looking to change them or defend them here. There are a lot of things I won't be able to tell Kailin about her life and family in China - not for want of protecting her from tough truths, but because I simply don't know. I know that I can someday tell Kailin that she was loved. Loved enough to be left with clothes, food, and a note in a place where her mother knew she would be found. But there are other things I will never know. Did her mother travel far from her home? Was it even her mother who had to walk away from a beautiful baby or did her father do it? Had they done it before? I wonder if Kailin was a first daughter or a second daughter or a third or a fourth and I wonder if her parents made their decision together or if it went unsaid when she was born... there are so many things that I know that I will never know - that she will never know. Sometimes that's easier for me than other times. Last night I was wondering what her mother must have felt like at the moment when she left her baby and whether or not she stayed hidden someplace and waited for someone to gather the baby up. I was sad last night to the bottom of my core that she will never see the bright twinkle in Kailin's eye when she discovers something new or when she's really proud of herself. It pulled at my heart that she will never hear Kailin's raspy, tired giggle or watch her eyes crinkle up when she laughs really hard.

It's difficult to write all of this without revealing details of either child's history that are his or her own to keep, and it's difficult to write because it's hard to put words on all of my thoughts and feelings. We have one child whose mother made an adoption plan for him and whether or not she remains a part of his life is her choice. We have another child who was obviously also loved, but whose mother (or perhaps parents) had no option to remain a part of her life. I think the essence of not knowing that one piece of information is what bothers me the most and makes me most sad. I would give almost anything to be able to share with Kailin's birthmother (or family) details of how she's grown and who she has become if she wanted to know.

These sorts of things are usually foremost in my mind on Chinese holidays, on our Family Day, Kailin's birthday, and on her finding day, but reading Shanghai girls has stirred it all up in me. I am so thankful that I get to be Kailin's mom and as I was laying there thinking about our time in China and how small she was, she called out for me in the night. She'd had a bad dream and I picked up my (not so) little girl and held her tight and while I was rocking there in the night with her, I said a prayer of thanks for my beautiful daughter, a prayer of thanks for the strength and courage it took for her mother to do what she did, and a prayer for comfort and peace for all of us as we go through this life.